So I hate to be a jerk, but here I go:
So I only read the first two paragraphs, or so and so I can't speak for the whole thing. However I did notice a few mistakes that I used to make as well before I took the two writing courses from Long Ridge Writers Group.
If your cousin is serious about writing a book I'd recommend that she at least use the free sections of the site to get pointers and whatever the site offers. The courses aren't that expensive, as far as collage level courses go, and they are online so you work when you want as with other online classes.
I took the 'Breaking into print' and the 'Shape, write and sell your novel' courses and it was worth every penny.
I know that your cousin may not want to hear such advice/feedback, however my humble, non published opinion is she needs to.
If you wish to share this with her or not I wish her good luck on her writing endeavors!
"Working To Build A Better Wasteland!"
Whenever I'm in a tough situation, I just ask myself, "What would Altra do?"--------------------
~R.I.P Fan Made Fallout 2003-2009~